haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
