FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize