he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
