vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
