Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
