i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
