I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
