his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
smell my finger.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My life is pants optional.
how does that bad decision feel?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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