After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
