u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
