just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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