I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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