So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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