the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
