Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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