I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
