I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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