The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
