Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
