when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
