WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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