I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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