Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
