I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
