There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
