Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My life is pants optional.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
