There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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