Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
