Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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