You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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