The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize