1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize