I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Is Oprah even human
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
