i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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