You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
