Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
