You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just puked most of my soul out..
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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