you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
