The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
