so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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