Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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