My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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