I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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