Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So vagazzling was a success
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
