Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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