it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Oh god it's open bar.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
