Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
