the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
