I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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