it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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