I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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