oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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