sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize