Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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