Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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