Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
